Seperate lives and lovers

The consequences of all past mistakes,
they're still causing so many headaches.
Can't learn from my bruises,
my balance still bends towards bad choices.

My stand is if it is worth it, then you'll find away to it eventually. But if hurt outweighs hope, then something is wrong and since you have nothing left to grasp, move along. Hopeful is a sorry feeling but hopeful is here again.

The exams are long over, my birthday should have been much more, this is holidays and this is freedom, I have awesome friends; there should be much more than hurting, right?

Prom is on Monday. Guess who has no dress, no shoes and no money? :<

(There's more)

a day late

The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.
You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and say,
“No, I’m happy for you”. That’s when it's really sad.

Day 2. He was there. Then he wasnt. Day 3. He wasnt there. It should be something to get used to.

The thing about detaching is, it hurts so badly. You fight with your insides to keep it buried in the morning and when you're alone in bed at night, you're curled up, your insides constrict and you just want to die.

And the other thing about detaching is, you never fully detach. Its mfing impossible. Like I said before, once you love someone, really really wholeheartedly love someone, you'll love them always. It might not forever be to the earlier magnitude, but love will always be there.

The last thing about detaching is, with all the pain, hurt, tears, breath and the lack thereof, all the nights in bed curled up and willing him to call, all the biting of the sides of your mouth while smiling seeing things you really really cant bear to see, you wont die.

You make it through somehow and the cycle starts again.

(There's more)

" I loved him. He needed time to think and that was ok- he was worth waiting for... and waiting for... and waiting for. Finally I realized I had waited away my life for an answer he had already given me: If he loved me back, I would not have had to wait. "

(There's more)

I wish I was special.

I'm gonna close my mouth now -
you don't need more noise in your life
I miss you more than you know,
but I know time makes you move on.

Today I saw him from a really far distance. Maybe for a few moments he was looking at me too, but I couldnt be sure. Every inch of my soul wanted to find the steps up to the second level, run to him, hug and be hugged.

But that is not the plan. The plan was to sit there and look at him from afar, as nothing more than how I'd look at him a few months back. As I sat there, it was almost as if my soul was tearing my insides out and when he finally waved bye and disappeared from view, it hurt so badly I just wanted to double over and cry all over again.

But like always, it was in that agonised, deranged state that I felt a little closer to doing what I'd to do, to detach, and just that little bit stronger for holding back.

I need a little more time now.

(There's more)

how about now?

"Change is a funny thing.
We are never quite sure what we are becoming or even why.
Then one day we look at ourselves and
wonder who we are and how we got that way.
Only one thing about change remains constant, it is always painful."
- Jodi Picoult

I wish I was half as significant as her. I wish you'd notice me. I wish for many things, all of which are screaming out in everything I do, but you dont see it. Do you know how inadequate I feel, to love so much but still its barely enough to be worth just that little bit of you?

(There's more)

freeze-dried romance

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Sometimes I wake up and misjudge the darkness in the room and the size of my bed and I get scared cos I feel so small and alone. Like always, its 3AM when I miss you the most.

(There's more)

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I hate you. I hate you. I swear to god. I hate you.
Oh my god, I love you.

Tomorrow marks the end of the exams. I should be all hyped up and jumpy, but its freezing and I wont deny I am sore. So here I am, in a huge grey shirt that covers my knees if I bring them to my chin, curling my toes and waiting to be remembered.

(There's more)

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

If I'd been someone else in a different world
I would have done something different
but I was myself and the world was the world, so I was silent.

My birthday has always been a big deal since I was little. For a good fourteen years, I got to spend it with everyone whom I loved and mattered.

Then last year, maybe it was because it was time to grow up, I got told off by the one person I loved the most that birthdays are not "necessary to celebrate" and I should "grow up" and "please at least attempt to understand" that he's busy with "less redundant things like work" so I shouldnt expect him to "remember, much less spend" my birthday with me.

I spent my birthday really hurt and all of a sudden, I dont want my birthday as much as I did before cos Im so afraid it'll end up exactly like that again. ):

(There's more)

drip

• Dinner sucked.
• Im tired okay.
• 3 more days is a cruel joke.
• My body is failing me.
• I feel it.

(There's more)

David Johnny Choochoo's 17, (picture spam)

Deej's suprise party went awesome, THANK YOU LAURA, YURESH, JAY AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO CAME/HELPED. I would have probably failed really badly if I'd no help. Luv you long time. (:

----------

And to my dear David Johnny Choochoo/Piggachoo/Deedeeduh/Muffin,
Im glad you had fun last night. (:
Happy birthday, I'll love you always.

(There's more)